Sunday, October 17, 2010

Broken

I have lost something which I had held very close to me. The foundations I have built have been shaken and now I see no hope of revival except to start over from scratch.

I have lost my sense of reasoning. I am struggling to find a platform on which to base my decisions and thoughts. My mistake was to reason with my beliefs. My mistake was to find a justification to certain things that I've seen or heard based on my belief system.

I have spent a good amount of time reasoning with what I've experienced so far. I have tried different experiments to change my lifestyle, to discover how it would affect my interactions with people around me. I was absolutely convinced that if I believed in something , it was because it was true, and it was real. I was being an absolute stubborn fool. I thought to myself that if I did anything with a certain conviction, it would help me see people and their behaviour in a new light. All it did was make me look eccentric and a bit mad.

Fortunately or unfortunately,all of us have a belief system based on our history and experiences. The only way to change this belief system is to either change your history or modify/corrupt these experiences. I also used to have a belief system. Then I had a devastating experience during my college time, and I concluded that it was caused because of the decision making system which I had at the time. So I decided to forget who I was. I changed my version of my past, and began to create a new set of rules and beliefs. So I became a very malleable version of myself. I could be anyone I wanted to be. It was such a terrible and exhilarating experience. I use the two words together to try to define my feeling about myself at the time.

It became very easy to reason with people around me, because I had no base belief system.So everything I said was right out of the book so to speak, and surprisingly it was exactly this reasoning that they wanted to hear. This was all good for some time. And as with everything, it had side-effects. When you change your version of your past, you slowly begin to lose all that was connected to your past.

I continued with my experiments and slowly started failing these experiments. I could not understand why at the time. But now I see that I was basing these experiments on fallacies, that I have created for myself. At this point, I would like to quote a line from a favorite movie of mine-"The Matrix": 'There is no spoon'. I think that this line speaks a lot about our beliefs and convictions. The spoon in the movie represents all that we think is real and is true. As soon as we realise that the spoon is just a figment of somebody's imagination, we are able to bend it and break it at our will.

I have tried and failed to alter myself and then fit into an archaic system built on rules that were made to fail. I resign myself to no longer look for reason, and try to make peace with what I see is happening around me. I will stop my experiments to "figure out" things. I will try to re-connect with what I remember about my past and hope to restore a belief system that will allow me to make sense of things. Beating the system was a child's idea of trying to be different to probably get noticed. I think I took that too seriously.

A cog in the machine. What a waste...

Sunday, April 25, 2010

God is an idea

When has something troubled you so much, you lose track of almost everything? Like as if you were going through every day much like a robot or a zombie, where there is no self-control on your actions. Your responses to stimuli are either non-lifelike or too emotional, in a vague sense of the word.

Philosophy is not something easily digested or understood. That is because of it's abstract nature, that sounds more like a politician's speech. Neither here nor there. That is its true nature, and hence cannot conform to scientific thought.Our current rules of science are so rigid that we lose sight of it's original intention, and are bent on trying to explain what we see and observe, using those rules. No matter how hard we try, we will ultimately fail.

The same idea can be applied to social aspects as well, and to more sensitive topics like religion and belief.

If we look deeper into religion and its books from where we learn about it, a huge part of them go into explaining thoughts and ideas , labelled "good" and "bad", depending on situations and justifications.

As with any idea, as long as it remains an idea, it stays pure and ready to be accepted by all. But when an idea is associated with say, a person or an event, it loses its purity and loses its power and purpose. Once this is done, nothing can be done,unless the memory of that association is lost forever.

Unfortunately, as is the case in humans, where our methods of education, involve the use of examples, and situations, we will never escape from the association of ideas with people or other beings. It is said that "experience is the best teacher". I believe that experience is the only teacher. Our education system is just a great leveller, standing in side to side to our society, to enforce a sense of control and hierarchy. At each step , we are forced to learn who is in control and who is not. Only our experiences allow us to break free, and to trick the system.

And so too with religion, we are told that there are rules to be followed because it is said by someone or written somewhere. End of discussion. The chance to question is lost, and thus the chance to learn/change/improve/understand is lost. We say that we are an intelligent society, but we lose sight of the fact that controlling change is something that has failed time and again and again. We fail to see that change is inevitable, and rules that existed before will be broken, again and again. What was bad, is good, and what was good, is bad. All by-products of the rules that we have thought up, thinking that they are for the greater good.

These are thoughts, that lead to an idea that says that humans were designed to fail, to sacrifice and to lose. So how is that we have examples of humans prevailing, and how is it that humans have managed to survive? I believe that this could be where our understanding of God or some universal force/energy begins.

Somehow, there is a kind of energy which all living beings have the capacity to tap into. I believe , that we as humans, have developed different methods to tap into this energy.Meditation, prayer, yoga, pranic breathing, etc, etc..

This is a very controversial topic, I know, but I believe, this is the closest we can get to understanding and solving so many things we have taken for granted. All of us say that everything is under the control of some higher power or the "guy on top". I believe that as humans we have a primal tendency to look up to something, and be in awe of something we cannot understand/explain, and give in to such experiences.

I believe that we, due to our learning disability, continue to associate this "higher power" with something we can relate to, thus bringing it down to our size. And again, we will fail to truly understand.

I also believe that there are "pockets" of this energy in different parts of the universe, where beings who are "tuned" to this energy, either by birth or training, can experience it in its true form. All beings are capable in a very minor way to access this energy by way of "feeling".

That's all for now, I will put up some more thoughts as soon as I can collate them in my head.

Thanks for reading

Arun