Sunday, October 17, 2010

Broken

I have lost something which I had held very close to me. The foundations I have built have been shaken and now I see no hope of revival except to start over from scratch.

I have lost my sense of reasoning. I am struggling to find a platform on which to base my decisions and thoughts. My mistake was to reason with my beliefs. My mistake was to find a justification to certain things that I've seen or heard based on my belief system.

I have spent a good amount of time reasoning with what I've experienced so far. I have tried different experiments to change my lifestyle, to discover how it would affect my interactions with people around me. I was absolutely convinced that if I believed in something , it was because it was true, and it was real. I was being an absolute stubborn fool. I thought to myself that if I did anything with a certain conviction, it would help me see people and their behaviour in a new light. All it did was make me look eccentric and a bit mad.

Fortunately or unfortunately,all of us have a belief system based on our history and experiences. The only way to change this belief system is to either change your history or modify/corrupt these experiences. I also used to have a belief system. Then I had a devastating experience during my college time, and I concluded that it was caused because of the decision making system which I had at the time. So I decided to forget who I was. I changed my version of my past, and began to create a new set of rules and beliefs. So I became a very malleable version of myself. I could be anyone I wanted to be. It was such a terrible and exhilarating experience. I use the two words together to try to define my feeling about myself at the time.

It became very easy to reason with people around me, because I had no base belief system.So everything I said was right out of the book so to speak, and surprisingly it was exactly this reasoning that they wanted to hear. This was all good for some time. And as with everything, it had side-effects. When you change your version of your past, you slowly begin to lose all that was connected to your past.

I continued with my experiments and slowly started failing these experiments. I could not understand why at the time. But now I see that I was basing these experiments on fallacies, that I have created for myself. At this point, I would like to quote a line from a favorite movie of mine-"The Matrix": 'There is no spoon'. I think that this line speaks a lot about our beliefs and convictions. The spoon in the movie represents all that we think is real and is true. As soon as we realise that the spoon is just a figment of somebody's imagination, we are able to bend it and break it at our will.

I have tried and failed to alter myself and then fit into an archaic system built on rules that were made to fail. I resign myself to no longer look for reason, and try to make peace with what I see is happening around me. I will stop my experiments to "figure out" things. I will try to re-connect with what I remember about my past and hope to restore a belief system that will allow me to make sense of things. Beating the system was a child's idea of trying to be different to probably get noticed. I think I took that too seriously.

A cog in the machine. What a waste...